Pleasantville TBI: B&W to Technicolor & There's No "Suppose To Be" in Life

07/01/2013

The movie "Pleasantville" is great to set you back on path when you feel you've wandered off...or tripped over the edge of...what I'm not sure.  Looking through my blog site I realize I wandered off this Path of mine, tripped over my pain threshold and fell into my own version of "Pleasantville." I've been stuck in a black and white world.  Not because I wanted to live there...or even visit for that matter, but because I've been stuck in such extreme pain I forgot color is even an option. Know what I mean?  Maybe not.  The alleviation of pain became the only thing that mattered in my life; there was no room to think, no room to write (which requires thinking), no room for fun. Only room to sleep away the pain.

The relentless headaches I live with eroded the colors of Life until my world faded to a black and white existence.  It took a several hour conversation with my son to track down how I wandered off my Path.  All it took to throw me off was my new neurologist calling to cancel an appointment in November (voting day), my GP suddenly retired due to a sick family member in December, then a move across town in January and here I am without medication six months later buried under layers of pain.

Take away my medications and my body enters survival mode.  Survival mode is the body's normal defense physiology AKA Fight-Flight-Freeze Stress Response. While I do not have a PhD or MD behind my name, I do have life experience in this area earning me qualifying expertise on the subject of Post Traumatic Self-Deregulation (instead of disorder).  I believe PTSD happens when we become stuck in one of the physiological stages of the Flight-Fight-Freeze stress response.

The normal stress response process starts in the Central Nervous System where it activates the mobilization of the sympathetic nervous system, which allows the quick thinking and rapid responses needed in a dangerous situation (real or perceived).  Normal operating procedure of the CNS is to seek homeostasis so once the threat is over it switches control over to the parasympathetic nervous system for the Rest-and-Digest or Feed-and-Breed response.  Prolonged stress causes this defensive response system to go haywire and we end up experiencing a host of biochemical related physical and emotional dysfunction.

We are dealing with the brain's ability to shift from survival mode to normal daily life where we are capable of self-observation, self-monitoring, self-judgment (the positive kind) and just being self-aware. What complicates the matter is MTBI related impaired executive function of the brain, which is part of our basic survival skills: helping us to recognize, prioritize, plan, organize and set goals for any situation.  Hence, without medication (and proper medical care) I became incapable of recognizing that I was in trouble (self-monitoring)  before I tripped over my pain threshold and into the B&W life of "Pleasantville."

In the movie, people suddenly turn into Technicolor once they experience something such as a deep emotion, have an epiphany, or accept the simple fact that life is not stagnant, but ever changing.  In my reality it's a bit more complicated, but the concept remains the same.  In real life the transition from B&W to Technicolor is a longer process, but it is still possible.

Armed with a new doctor that specializes in brain injury, I am trying new medications (Guinea Pig) to control my Chronic Classic Migraines once again.  This new doc also suggested a new GP that I see in two weeks to get the rest of me in a state of maintenance vs. emergency (weight gain).  Unfortunately this is now a repeating theme in my life of losing a doc, going off my meds,  being stuck in pain and gaining weight.  If I could just hire a free Personal Assistant..life could rock.

Several days in June I had the joy of re-experiencing the vivid Technicolor that life has to offer.  It was a life altering moment where time slows down so that the excitement of living in the present was truly a gift to treasure.  That is how I want every moment of my life to be from now on.

I'm back to the guinea pig life trying to find the right combination of drugs to abate the migraines, but it's a corrective step back onto my Path.  The first medication (Propranolol) that helped me...well, apparently a blister rash isn't cool so we're onto another drug... Topamax.

Each time I watch Pleasantville I find profound meanings hidden throughout the movie.  Not only did I realize I've been living in a B&W world (of pain), but what struck a chord was a scene near the end where the mom is crying because her life hasn't turned out "the way it was supposed to be" by her 40's.  Now that I'm 44 this scene had me laughing (inappropriately) with a newfound appreciation I couldn't understand when I was younger.  Her son wisely says something like..."there is no supposed to....anything."  Oh.  Yeah. Life instantly seemed simpler to me.  I just need to live the best way I can that makes me happy. I swear a choir of angels sang at that very enlightening moment!

It took me five days to write this post.  Considering I haven't written in over a year, I'd say five days is an improvement.  Over the last 13 months I took a Walk on the Dark Side...the subject of my next post...however long it takes to write.

~Kristy

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05/02/17
UPDATE:

An allergic reaction to Topamax had me in the ER with trigeminal neuralgia symptoms.  I thought I knew pain prior to that experience.  I was deadly wrong.

I've been unfailingly on Neurontin aka gabapentin 300 mg AM, noon and 600 mg at bed since the ER visit.  I chose to deal with the known negative side effects of gabapentin over another new drug with unknown side effects, like the Topamax.  Gabapentin prevents the daily, excruciating headache so I can function and remain in a Technicolor world.

There are always choices, tradeoffs to make along the journey of Life.  What I'm still learning is to take a single step at a time.  Trying to rush the process makes it worse, which in turn make me backtrack vs moving forward.  When I slow down and pay attention to the minutia of sensations, I can prevent negative impacts prior to them becoming a firestorm.

Do what works for you, ask others about their experience with the knowing that every single person is different, yet their experience opens up more options.

Be well,

Kristy