Hello World, it's been...awhile

"Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it."
~Kevyn Aucoin

I've been away for awhile.  Okay. More like three years, but hey...life got in the way and I stopped writing.
Today, I choose to write again. So....here I am. Again. Writing. To whom?  I have no clue.  I never had many people read my writing previously.  Does that matter? Not in the slightest. This is for me. I'm reclaiming one thing I love today and it's writing. To be honest, I need the ability to get my thoughts out and well....the 2X4 from my past is hitting me upside the head again telling me, "Get back on your path Kristy!"  Okay, okay already. 
Specifically, I have had numerous interactions with people over the last month that either have a brain injury themselves or have a loved one that has suffered an injury by an accident or stroke.  I already have the brain injury, but now I can relate to the stroke as well.  In real life, I haven't shared the stroke with many people.  Instead, I went within to process, "What the hell just happened to me?"

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.” 
 ~ Carl Jung

I thought I knew my own darkness.  I've waded through the depths of depression, abuse, loss, grief...and yet I found a new room I had to explore to get where I am now.  Let's rewind....
August 2014 I went to California with my son, Sean, to attend a wedding where

he was a groomsman.  We flew from Denver to LAX then drove up to Santa Barbara and had a lovely time.  A couple was married, pictures were taken, drinks were drunk, I lost a fingernail, funny things happened and for the most part...it was a typical wedding and reception. We even visited Hearst Castle...I hadn't been there since I was a kid....it was still kinda weird and beautiful.

My son, Sean

Since I grew up in Southern California and Sean's paternal grandparent's still live there, we drove down to stay with them for a week before heading home. I love Teri and John.  I have since I dated their son in my sophomore year in high school.  So, while there Sean and I took a day trip to Newport Beach and my old stomping grounds.  There was a high/dangerous tide warning. Which means...best time for surfers. Duh!  I got tons of amazing pictures with my new camera that day.  Unfortunately, it was a hot day.  Hello sunburn and oops, I ran out of water.  Would my (then) 25 year old son stop to get me more water?  Hell no!  There was traffic like he's never seen before and he told me to just behave until we made it to grandma and grandpa's.  lol...this kid has always acted like my dad, not my son.

Santa Barbara

Fast forward a few hours and my ex-husband is at his parent's to pick up his 3 year old son and decided to stay and talk to Sean for awhile.  Oh. Yeah!  In my mind I tried to use telepathy on him...go home Jeff...go on, leave....now.  Nope. He decided to stay so we could all go out to dinner. Oh, fuck me.  Really?  Okay, you need to know this man cheated on me with multiple women.  While I loved him dearly and a part of me always will...the other part simply would cold cock him if he wasn't a black belt in....something. So...to dinner we go.
Upon returning, I went to the guest bedroom to get my camera to take pictures while everyone else heads to the family room.  As I walk out of the room I make it about 20 feet to the dining room table when I felt dizzy.  I grab the closest chair, set down my camera and without my permission to do so...my body slowly crumples to the floor ending in a Yoga Child Pose position with my head facing the family room.
Since childhood I've had that deal where if you get up too fast you get dizzy, black out, get a numb tongue, and eventually the world rights itself.  That is what I thought just happened to me, but when I tried to lift my head...I couldn't.  I couldn't move anything.  I couldn't speak.  I wanted to cry in panic, but knew that wouldn't help.  Ok, now what?  Let's ride this out.  It has to stop soon.  Just breathe.
Minutes later, I have no idea how long, Jeff says to Sean, "Hey Sean, is your mom alright?" The banter goes back and forth...meanwhile on the floor I'm yelling in my head...NO, I'm not fucking alright! Get in here and help me, you stupid ass!
Eventually, after long tortured moments that seem like hours...Sean stands up, leans around the fireplace to see me on the floor, "Oh fuck!  Why the hell didn't you tell me....." I don't remember the rest.  I was so excited Sean was coming to my rescue I didn't care.  Next thing I know I've got my 6'3" son under one arm and my 5'9" "dad" under the other lifting me from the floor.
First thing I notice...Oh my god, I have drool running out my mouth, down my chin and embedded itself in the carpet AND NOW it's stretching....try to ask the boys to please wipe my chin....I sound like the parent's in the Charlie Brown cartoon's. Just like the week after my car accident, I know what I want to say, but nothing intelligent comes out. No. NOnonononononononononono! Not again.  Not now.  Not here.  Not in front of my fucking ex-husband!!! Yes Kristy.  This. Is. Happening. Yay!
They realize my legs aren't working so my boys have to heft my womanly figure and plop me in the damn bed. Where I can't move.  I am arranged on the bed like a rag doll. Told not to move like a child.  They return with an ice pack and a coke with a straw.  WTF?  You know how when you go to the dentist and they numb you up for a cavity?  Picture that, then picture 3 grown men surrounding you with ice packs and trying to get you to sip warm Coke from a straw.  Not happening. Coke was meant to be cold and poured over ice. Yuck.
Dad (only one I have still) did the most tender thing I've seen him do...ever.  He laid down next to me on the bed and stroked my head telling me everything was going to be okay.  I silently sob getting tears and snot all over the pillowcase.  It's okay.  I know mom and her cleaning habits will have it cleaned without a trace of grossness.  I laugh at this thought.  Dad laughs with me. It's the most coherent thing I've said and he understands.
Being the oh 3rd-4th time this happened to me and I'd never gone to the hospital - I wanted to tell them to get me to a stroke center, but I still couldn't talk.  Eventually, I hear Sean arguing with his grandparents in the hall.  No, Sean, I'm sure Kris will be fine Honey.  No grandma, she's been like this for over an hour now. < Oh...really...it's been over an hour?  Shit, this isn't good. > Then I hear music to my ears...This has happened to her several times before and each time she was upset that NOBODY took her to the damn hospital.  I'm NOT going to let her down like that.  Now, you can either help or get out of my way. <Oh shit.  Sean just sassed his grandma.  Thank you!!!>
Until next time....that's all, for now, folks, but as you can see....I've been through some stuff over the past few years.  Not just having fun.  I've had to walk through the fire again.