It's A Wonderful Life George
I've battled depression all my life. However, since the TBI I now know what it feels like to live life from the AA perspective of...One day at a time. It's an unusual journey for an eternal optimist to wrestle with the dark depression dragons. One moment I'm spouting words of inspiration and the next I'm the one needing them. When it comes down to it, I feel like a fish out of water...flopping around on the ground trying to suck in some air to stay alive.I suppose my optimism is my way of self medicating what ails me.
From what the doctors tell me, depression is more complicated after a brain injury. Well, my life has always been a bit complicated. I figured, "No big deal. I've been here before. I can do this. I've done it all my life." But it's a beast of a different color now. What I knew how to cope with is something other now. And I don't like it. Not one bit.
I've lost so much since the car accident. I've learned to let go, but the lesson keeps coming back to me. I've let go of: material things, my career, belief that my career made me who I was, money, loved ones, relationships, home, education, dreams, friends, love. I've let go of so much I wonder ...what's left to hold on to?
Blind faith has gotten me through the past four years. I put my faith in the belief that all will be taken care of and it has. I'm the silver lining girl. Normally I find one. Today...not so much. Being home alone on Christmas...it's just another day without family. It certainly isn't happy. The more people wish it to me...the worse I feel.
In some ways I desire someone to talk to and share this deep darkness in hopes of letting in a little light. I want someone to throw me a line to hold onto. On the other hand...hello who wants to be around all that darkness? I certainly don't. It feels like a guilt trip waiting to happen. I don't tell anyone how hard it is to hold on. I don't want them to worry. I don't want them to feel responsible. This is my demon. The dragon I must slay myself. I am just so damn tired of doing battle. I need a safe place to fall. So far, I have not found one.
I don't want anyone to see me when I'm like this, but at the same time I want to be held and told it'll all be ok. Such a conundrum. So, I close myself into my shell. I refuse to answer the phone. I avoid speaking. I go where I am unreachable. I listen to music. Today is a TFF day. It's how I cope.
If you haven't experienced depression, you're damn lucky. However, understanding becomes an issue. In my case, it isn't about feeling sad or crying (although tears can be involved...when they aren't it's usually a BAD sign). Well, I'm having a hard time describing this to myself. While emotions can be involved, it's more about the absence of emotion...not caring about anything or anyone anymore. No joy of life, no reason, no purpose, just this black hole you're stuck in and can't escape...and sometimes you don't even want to escape. It's the point where feeling becomes too much to bear any longer and you shut down. Where nothing exists and you don't want to exist either....I just want to go home.
The light at the end of the tunnel (that was really a speeding train) simply vanishes and there you are in the dark wondering why am I even here?
It's A Wonderful Life George. You had your angel. For me...it's a Mad World. I've been praying for strings, but you need to bring a sword to an old fashioned dragon battle. Here's to finding my Excalibur.
From what the doctors tell me, depression is more complicated after a brain injury. Well, my life has always been a bit complicated. I figured, "No big deal. I've been here before. I can do this. I've done it all my life." But it's a beast of a different color now. What I knew how to cope with is something other now. And I don't like it. Not one bit.
I've lost so much since the car accident. I've learned to let go, but the lesson keeps coming back to me. I've let go of: material things, my career, belief that my career made me who I was, money, loved ones, relationships, home, education, dreams, friends, love. I've let go of so much I wonder ...what's left to hold on to?
Blind faith has gotten me through the past four years. I put my faith in the belief that all will be taken care of and it has. I'm the silver lining girl. Normally I find one. Today...not so much. Being home alone on Christmas...it's just another day without family. It certainly isn't happy. The more people wish it to me...the worse I feel.
In some ways I desire someone to talk to and share this deep darkness in hopes of letting in a little light. I want someone to throw me a line to hold onto. On the other hand...hello who wants to be around all that darkness? I certainly don't. It feels like a guilt trip waiting to happen. I don't tell anyone how hard it is to hold on. I don't want them to worry. I don't want them to feel responsible. This is my demon. The dragon I must slay myself. I am just so damn tired of doing battle. I need a safe place to fall. So far, I have not found one.
I don't want anyone to see me when I'm like this, but at the same time I want to be held and told it'll all be ok. Such a conundrum. So, I close myself into my shell. I refuse to answer the phone. I avoid speaking. I go where I am unreachable. I listen to music. Today is a TFF day. It's how I cope.
If you haven't experienced depression, you're damn lucky. However, understanding becomes an issue. In my case, it isn't about feeling sad or crying (although tears can be involved...when they aren't it's usually a BAD sign). Well, I'm having a hard time describing this to myself. While emotions can be involved, it's more about the absence of emotion...not caring about anything or anyone anymore. No joy of life, no reason, no purpose, just this black hole you're stuck in and can't escape...and sometimes you don't even want to escape. It's the point where feeling becomes too much to bear any longer and you shut down. Where nothing exists and you don't want to exist either....I just want to go home.
The light at the end of the tunnel (that was really a speeding train) simply vanishes and there you are in the dark wondering why am I even here?
It's A Wonderful Life George. You had your angel. For me...it's a Mad World. I've been praying for strings, but you need to bring a sword to an old fashioned dragon battle. Here's to finding my Excalibur.
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