Living alone does not necessarily equal independent living
This morning that elusive light bulb clicked on for me. I've struggled in the shadowy darkness of wanting my independence back and what it means with TBI. I love that "Aha!" moment. Although, I admit, sometimes I feel rather silly that it takes me so long to figure out something so simple. While I do feel silly today, I also feel I learned something invaluable.
All my life, even before the brain injury, I've strived for my independence. To me, being independent meant successfully living on my own. Standing on my own two feet. Me against the world. I am woman hear me rawer. Why? Simply because it was my biggest fear. I'd always had someone to lean on...my parents or a husband. I thought I needed to learn that I could take care of myself and my kids by myself. As a single mom, I've done just that. I earned a good wage as a Webmaster, paid my bills on time, and even had a disposable income. Success in my (old) book.
After the car accident it became clear to my dearly departed mother that living on my own wasn't in my best interest. She wanted me to move in with her and I fought her tooth and nail all the way. Why? Because I felt by moving in with her I was forsaking my independence that I worked so hard to achieve. I saw it as giving in, defeat. Another loss. Earth calling Heaven...Mom, I was so wrong. I get it now.
What mom knew that I could not understand (until now) was this...post brain injury I needed support in order to be independent. It only took 4 years, 1 month and 14 days for that light bulb to click ON. It's a Duh! moment. A kite cannot fly without someone to hold the string. Or in my case, a balloon will soar into the atmosphere with no set course which eventually leads to popping of said balloon.... without someone to hold the string. I don't want to pop. Bursting is so last year.
The catalyst for this epiphany came disguised in a 6 week trip for my brother and his wife to Mexico to visit her family for Christmas....and my dog, Morgan. She and I live with them in San Antonio (after reaching out for help this summer). Due to the nature of my relationship with my brother (still bickering little kids who annoy each other) the thought of being alone for 6 whole weeks thrilled me...Yay I get to be independent again without him bossing me around was my thought. Wrong again. I'm on a roll! Each misstep is a lesson leading up to understanding.
I dropped the happy couple off at the airport four days ago. It's taken these few days to realize all they do for me that allows me to be independent. Experiencing an emotionally/mentally taxing day yesterday I hit the wall...cognitive overload. I laid down on the couch to watch TV and promptly fell asleep. Waking up at 7:30 PM (the usual 4 hours needed to recover) I thought it morning, but it was too dark. I looked over to see Morgan sitting at her food bowl. Crap! Her dinner time is 4:30!! My sister-in-law took over feeding Morgan when I moved in, because at the time I wasn't capable of keeping a schedule. Apparently I'm still not able to stick to one due to extenuating circumstances aka Me.
These little things all lead me to the realization that I NEED support to BE independent. (Or, living alone does NOT equal being independent)
I've bemoaned my brother's lack of interest in learning about my brain injury, what that means for me and how he can help me get my life back. Now I see I've been striving for the wrong thing. I cannot get my life back. That's living in the past. I need to create a new life. Wow, all these lights coming on is making it easier to see my path in the darkness.
What I've learned
Kristy
All my life, even before the brain injury, I've strived for my independence. To me, being independent meant successfully living on my own. Standing on my own two feet. Me against the world. I am woman hear me rawer. Why? Simply because it was my biggest fear. I'd always had someone to lean on...my parents or a husband. I thought I needed to learn that I could take care of myself and my kids by myself. As a single mom, I've done just that. I earned a good wage as a Webmaster, paid my bills on time, and even had a disposable income. Success in my (old) book.
After the car accident it became clear to my dearly departed mother that living on my own wasn't in my best interest. She wanted me to move in with her and I fought her tooth and nail all the way. Why? Because I felt by moving in with her I was forsaking my independence that I worked so hard to achieve. I saw it as giving in, defeat. Another loss. Earth calling Heaven...Mom, I was so wrong. I get it now.
What mom knew that I could not understand (until now) was this...post brain injury I needed support in order to be independent. It only took 4 years, 1 month and 14 days for that light bulb to click ON. It's a Duh! moment. A kite cannot fly without someone to hold the string. Or in my case, a balloon will soar into the atmosphere with no set course which eventually leads to popping of said balloon.... without someone to hold the string. I don't want to pop. Bursting is so last year.
The catalyst for this epiphany came disguised in a 6 week trip for my brother and his wife to Mexico to visit her family for Christmas....and my dog, Morgan. She and I live with them in San Antonio (after reaching out for help this summer). Due to the nature of my relationship with my brother (still bickering little kids who annoy each other) the thought of being alone for 6 whole weeks thrilled me...Yay I get to be independent again without him bossing me around was my thought. Wrong again. I'm on a roll! Each misstep is a lesson leading up to understanding.
I dropped the happy couple off at the airport four days ago. It's taken these few days to realize all they do for me that allows me to be independent. Experiencing an emotionally/mentally taxing day yesterday I hit the wall...cognitive overload. I laid down on the couch to watch TV and promptly fell asleep. Waking up at 7:30 PM (the usual 4 hours needed to recover) I thought it morning, but it was too dark. I looked over to see Morgan sitting at her food bowl. Crap! Her dinner time is 4:30!! My sister-in-law took over feeding Morgan when I moved in, because at the time I wasn't capable of keeping a schedule. Apparently I'm still not able to stick to one due to extenuating circumstances aka Me.
These little things all lead me to the realization that I NEED support to BE independent. (Or, living alone does NOT equal being independent)
I've bemoaned my brother's lack of interest in learning about my brain injury, what that means for me and how he can help me get my life back. Now I see I've been striving for the wrong thing. I cannot get my life back. That's living in the past. I need to create a new life. Wow, all these lights coming on is making it easier to see my path in the darkness.
What I've learned
- Independence does not equal living alone. (It's not in my best interest, or Morgan's, to live alone. And that's okay.)
- Independence = Support
- Help may be a four letter word, but it's not a bad word.
- I need to create a new life, not get my old life back.
- Repeated theme - Let go, move forward (aka you'll turn to a statue of salt if you look back! Oh...finally figured out that parable too. Woohoo!)
- I'm blessed
Kristy
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