Going Home
I've been a stubborn ass about NOT returning to Denver. So many Life events happened there that were unpleasant. By no longer driving down the same streets or being with the same people I could escape my realities. Conscious thought wasn't part of the equation, it's been pure survival instinct. This revelation just hit me this morning as I allowed myself to unearth my true reasons and fears of going "home".
Everything I was prior to my accident/TBI and loosing my parents was a constant reminder that I'm leading a new Life I didn't choose. All that I worked so hard for, grown through, and survived has ties to Colorado - the good, bad and the ugly. I see now that I wanted to forget by pulling what they call in AA the nifty move called a Geographical. Where you move away from your past/problems instead of working through your crap. I've been too broken to see what I was doing. My eyes are opening now.
I'm walking into fear, going outside of my comfort zone by coming full circle with this move back to Colorado. I wanted to create a Bucket List for each month of 2012 so I live my life fully. Each thing is to move me beyond my comfort zone. Well, this is at the top of my list. I'll be facing my past, present and walking towards a future with this single move. Wounds need healing, reasons need to be discovered, lessons learned, life lived.
What I've figured out so far? Colorado represented death to me. My dad died there, my twin granddaughter's died there, my mom died there...and the Kristy I was died there. I've always been the strong one that's been there for everyone else. I was there for mom when dad died, I was there for my daughter when her daughter's died, I was there for the family when mom died. Looking back I see friends were there for me, but I pushed them all away. It's what I do when I can't deal with something. I stuff things down to hold myself up and get things done...then fall apart later. Well darling, I think I've come undone. And it's a good thing.
By giving so much, I lost myself. Never allowing myself to feel the losses of those deaths has prevented me from moving forward. The clown face I painted to keep the pain under wraps has been washed away. Now I face me, not unlike Luke Skywalker...just no Yoda or a dad dressed like a helmeted Goth in a black cape. (With a really cool voice)
I've felt like Weezer's "Undone. The Sweater Song" where a thread was pulled as I walked away ...coming unraveled. I'm standing naked in front of the mirror now facing the realities that are now my life.
Life conveniently, or not, setup a series of events that opened several windows at once. My son reminded me that I have support in Denver, which is not so in San Antonio. I have nothing left in Texas to keep me here anymore. My kids and some of the best friends I've ever known are now anxiously awaiting my return home. I'm being enveloped in love with open arms waiting to wrap me in their embrace. Exactly what I need. It's not what I wanted, but is exactly what I need. To be perfectly honest...it feels kinda wonderful.
Within minutes of making the decision to move I had a roommate setup with an old co-worker/awesome friend. She was there for me after my accident when other's walked out. She taught me to laugh at myself when my speech sounded like I was as slow as molasses running uphill in winter with a stutter to boot. Right now we are both what the other needs to grow forward. The main hazard? Staying up talking like teenagers all night long. Oh well, we both deserve a break.
Kristy
Everything I was prior to my accident/TBI and loosing my parents was a constant reminder that I'm leading a new Life I didn't choose. All that I worked so hard for, grown through, and survived has ties to Colorado - the good, bad and the ugly. I see now that I wanted to forget by pulling what they call in AA the nifty move called a Geographical. Where you move away from your past/problems instead of working through your crap. I've been too broken to see what I was doing. My eyes are opening now.
I'm walking into fear, going outside of my comfort zone by coming full circle with this move back to Colorado. I wanted to create a Bucket List for each month of 2012 so I live my life fully. Each thing is to move me beyond my comfort zone. Well, this is at the top of my list. I'll be facing my past, present and walking towards a future with this single move. Wounds need healing, reasons need to be discovered, lessons learned, life lived.
What I've figured out so far? Colorado represented death to me. My dad died there, my twin granddaughter's died there, my mom died there...and the Kristy I was died there. I've always been the strong one that's been there for everyone else. I was there for mom when dad died, I was there for my daughter when her daughter's died, I was there for the family when mom died. Looking back I see friends were there for me, but I pushed them all away. It's what I do when I can't deal with something. I stuff things down to hold myself up and get things done...then fall apart later. Well darling, I think I've come undone. And it's a good thing.
By giving so much, I lost myself. Never allowing myself to feel the losses of those deaths has prevented me from moving forward. The clown face I painted to keep the pain under wraps has been washed away. Now I face me, not unlike Luke Skywalker...just no Yoda or a dad dressed like a helmeted Goth in a black cape. (With a really cool voice)
I've felt like Weezer's "Undone. The Sweater Song" where a thread was pulled as I walked away ...coming unraveled. I'm standing naked in front of the mirror now facing the realities that are now my life.
Life conveniently, or not, setup a series of events that opened several windows at once. My son reminded me that I have support in Denver, which is not so in San Antonio. I have nothing left in Texas to keep me here anymore. My kids and some of the best friends I've ever known are now anxiously awaiting my return home. I'm being enveloped in love with open arms waiting to wrap me in their embrace. Exactly what I need. It's not what I wanted, but is exactly what I need. To be perfectly honest...it feels kinda wonderful.
Within minutes of making the decision to move I had a roommate setup with an old co-worker/awesome friend. She was there for me after my accident when other's walked out. She taught me to laugh at myself when my speech sounded like I was as slow as molasses running uphill in winter with a stutter to boot. Right now we are both what the other needs to grow forward. The main hazard? Staying up talking like teenagers all night long. Oh well, we both deserve a break.
Kristy
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