Getting Better...One Brownie @ a Time

Erin (Note: cellular device in hand...always)

I had the unusual joy of having both my kids visit me at the same time Friday evening.  It was so wonderful to laugh with them again.  Sean couldn't stay for dinner (steak!) so I offered him a brownie.  He looked at me questioningly so I told him that they turned out fine.  Erin didn't remember the significance as Sean and I laughed...she looked confused.  Jen even knew the significance.

I'm not sure how long after the car accident, but at some point I decided I wanted to bake brownies.  It was a box mix...there's like 3 ingredients..easy right?  Not with a brain injury.  My ability to follow simple directions was impaired so it took months before I baked perfect brownies.  Since I started baking at the age of 9...this was devastating to me at the time.  It was also the perfect thing to point out my deficiencies to myself.  I thought I was fine.  I was not.

Sean, Gretchen (lap dog) & Jen

Baking brownies became my guidepost in recovery.  Honestly, I had no idea I could screw up brownies so badly.  If you forget eggs...ick...gooey grossness, too dry without the water...too oily if you double the oil...etc.  It wasn't pretty...or tasty.  When I began checking off the ingredients and steps as I completed them...I finally had an edible treat.  Short term memory loss prevented me from remembering...did I add eggs?  the oil?  Damage to the area that controls executive functions...like sequencing, prevented me from following directions.  It was a culinary adventure that the garbage disposal didn't enjoy much either.  I went from crying over ruining the brownies to the height of joy when I baked the first batch that we could eat.

Once Erin was caught up on the story (I cannot believe she forgot that!) Sean turns to her (laughing his ass off) and says, "Yeah, that's right Erin...Mom's getting better one brownie at a time. Didn't you know?"  That totally cracked me up. I tweeted Sean's comment.  Reading it today I realized it was an inside family joke with a deeper meaning than me simply eating brownies to get better.  I can make awesome brownies now from a box or from scratch...as long as I check off the steps.  It shows how far I've come.  It is a source of accomplishment that to some might seem simplistic, but to me....means everything.  I wish you luck in your own adventures in recovery...may the journey lead to joy in accomplishment.

Kristy