Hello World, it's been...awhile

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like." 

— Lemony Snicket

I love this quote. It describes so many of the patchwork pieces of my Life's tapestry that created the woman I am today. The odd little waiter in my Life has brought me so many things I never asked for and definitely have not always liked.

One of my dearest childhood friends said, "Kris, nobody would believe your life story even if it was scripted for a Soap Opera." Well..ya and that statement remains true a decade later. I've learned the truth of many cliche sayings like, "Life is not about the destination, it's about the journey."

Of all my Life's traumatic experiences, which is diverse I assure you, I find recovery from TBI the most challenging. I've been asked if I could turn back the hands of time...would I prevent the brain injury? Hindsight allows me to answer with an unequivocal HELL NO. Have I liked or enjoyed the experience?...ah that would again be HELL NO.

Don't get me wrong, I've lost much through the car accident and subsequent brain injury. On the material level, I lost my career, a good income and... dammit....my top of the line vehicular device that was totaled in the head-on collision. And yet.... I can honestly say that I have gained more than I've lost. 

"You never know what you have until you've lost it"

I lost abilities I took as granite. Fundamental parts of not only the uniqueness that makes up Kristy but the basic foundations from Being Human 101.... vanished. Such as:
Sense of self - I was part of everything & nothing
Sense of time - 6 hrs at the grocery store?
Sense of balance - felt like a Weeble Wobble
Proprioception - knowing where my body was in space & how to use it
My consciousness firmly grounded in my body - I felt it hover 24" to the right of my head
Vision - blurry, double vision, lost night vision
Organizational skills, Tech Geek skills, planning
Speaking/communication - Felt a short circuit between what I wanted to say & what/how it came out. Due to the slow rate of speech others tried to fill in my words with disastrous results. Lost train of thought, frustration mounted, emotional lability brought me to tears.
Word finding - "ya know that box..grr..watch movies on it" Yes the television. Leaves me feeling "stupid" in the eyes of others.
Grocery shopping - lighting & so many choices overwhelmed me. I could spend hours there and come home with nothing.
My brain filtering out background noise - Heard everything, sensory overload & shut down. Minimum 4 hrs of sleep to recover.
Ability to cook, drive, think clearly, write coherently, read, etc.
and most devastating of all my independence.

As I said, there are more gains than losses. Sure, I could dwell only on the loss. At times I do and depression hits hard. Then I come back to the realization that without the bad, we don't have a concept of what good truly is in Life. It's a Yin Yang thing. Balance.

The wise Kahlil Gibran threw me a line to hold onto when I teetered on the deep end. "The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

The gains are experiences I value like little gems that I tuck away in my treasure chest. When you gain back the ability to simply follow the directions on the back of a brownie box and have them turn out edible the inner joy is boundless. You feel like a superhero. For months I attempted to make brownies, but I always missed an ingredient.

I now live in the moment. - The re-wiring keeps me in this state of being

I do not take things for granite - Anything can be taken away at any time, enjoy them while you can

I gained an invaluable education and received treatment by some of the top CAM professionals in their field...and those in training - my BCMT Instructors and fellow students. My instructors had MORE knowledge regarding brain injury and how to help the healing process than any of the medical professionals HANDS DOWN. Those fields include: Shiatsu, Kinesiology, Sports Medicine, Chiropractic, TCM, Trauma in the Body, Psychology and the list goes on. I was and am a very lucky girl.

I received a specialized education at BCMT centered on Trauma in the Body and TBI. Why? Because we student's work on each other before touching the public and due to my TBI the work performed on me was tailored for my unique needs - a TBI client. There are things that should not be done to someone with a TBI - aka contraindications. I needed lots of footwork to ground me and bring the chaotic energy out of my head. Most people wanted to go straight to work on my head and neck. However, that increased my headaches and was a no no.

Thanks to my amazing instructors (& fellow students!) I made it through the first 18 months of my recovery and graduated school. I became a Certified Massage Therapist in 2009. This is a multifaceted gain plus abundant gratitude for everyone that helped me along the journey.

My journey continues to move several steps forward and then I get knocked back a few. I keep picking myself up and moving forward. Stubborn is not a trait found in my "loss" column. Thank G-d for that! I've needed stubborn to get me through.