Headaches of TBI

Experiencing a headache is part of the human condition.  Stress, tension, migraine, cluster...headache.  They are a pain.  I inherited migraines from a distant blood relation and passed them on to my son.  Until my car accident I thought I knew about headaches.  Nothing prepared me for the constant pain I've experienced since that fateful morning.

I forgot to inform my new roommate of these lovely headaches.  Oops.  Jen totally freaked out witnessing the first Ice Pick headache that struck me out of the blue at the grocery store.  I felt guilty at her fear filled response.  I also wanted to hit her to make her stop talking at me.  Since then we've come up with a signal to let her know I'm okay, but incapable of speaking....the finger lift. Jen asked me to describe what happens during my headaches so she has a better understanding.  Here is what I've come up with:

The Ice Pick

For a moment nothing exists.  I'm engulfed in a world of pain striking me down with sudden violence.  My eyes clench shut as I fall.  My muscles can no longer hold my body upright as the pain takes over.  My right hand moves swiftly to extract the ice pick that was thrust into my temple embedding itself behind my right eye.  Nothing is there to extract.  There never is.  My hand flattens out over my temple as if to soothe the pain, or keep the contents of my skull from seeping out.  

Two thoughts rise to the surface...I'm going to die and Breath.  Breath out the pain.  My stomach churns with wave after wave of nausea.  Voices surround me.  I don't know what they are saying.  Comprehension of language does not exist in this dark world.  Only images of exhaling the pain.  The index finger of my right hand lifts from my head to give the pre-programmed signal.  This simple movement means something to the voice and it stops.  The ice pick vanishes as suddenly as it struck me.  I know when I open my eyes I'll see the familiar scene of a concerned face staring at me.  A flush of red heat flows up my neck tingling my cheeks as I take in my surroundings.

The Charlie Horse

Out of the blue invisible fingers reach into my skull.  They wrap around my temporal lobes clenching them in a vice like grip.  It is the grip of death.  The prickle of tears only intensifies the cramping pain.  Must not cry.  The fingers tighten in their relentless attempt to squeeze my brain into nothingness.  An instant of relief washes over me as the fingers release their pressure only to start a rhythmic pulse of intensely dull pain.  My breath catches.  It hurts to inhale. I suck in a deep breath.  I hold onto this breath as long as I can, then slowly push out the air between clenched lips.  I close my eyes as I ride out the waves of pain until they cease.

Travelling back through the memories in my mind I stop at a scene of a 12 year old Kristy.  She is sleeping when a sudden cramping strikes her calf muscles ripping her from sleep.  Growing pains.  What mom calls a charlie horse attacks her with such blinding pain panic overwhelms her senses.  Must stop the pain.  She leaps from bed pacing the floor in an attempt to stop the gripping pain.  When the grip releases a ghost of pain remains, but is tolerable enough to fade back into dreamland.  This is the Charlie Horse pain in my brain.  A blessed coldness sweeps over my face when it releases possession of me.

The Veil (migrainesque pain)

The headband slides onto my head just behind my ears.  The veil of dull pain slowly flows down over my head covering my face.  My vision blurs behind the veil.  Light beams pierce the tiny holes of the veil entering my eyes as wispy flaming daggers.  They pierce into the depths of my brain.  Closing my eyes brings relief to the intensity.  The daggers transform into white hot coals that settle into a slow burn.  Somewhere light does not exist would sooth the burn.  Must find darkness.  Visions of a cold, dark cave sooth me.

A cacophony of noise begins to caress my body.  My hearing becomes general with acute precision.  I can hear EVERYTHING.  I feel the sound waves as they reverberate against my body.   The intensity hurts. My flesh prickles.  The hair on my arms hurt as these discordant sounds flow around me before entering my head.  My world begins to swim in dizzying whorls of color as the sound waves penetrate deep into my body.  I lose my balance staggering to find a wall to support me.  Must lay down.  Need sleep.

Uninvited tears streak my cheeks.  They feel cool against my burning flesh, yet bring no relief.  I draw the shades extinguishing the light in my room.  The sound of silence is deafening.  I turn on soft music.  The beat of classical music causes the pain to sharpen.  I find something that eases the pain then lay down.  Waves of nausea hit me.  I pray...Please don't get sick...it will only hurt worse.  Sleep wraps me in her soothing arms.  Pain does not exist in her lands.  Nausea subsides.  For hours I am at peace in oblivion.

The Shadow

I awake in the shadows of the Veil.  The intensity is gone, yet full relief has not found me.  A shadow of the pain remains.  There is a weight at my temples that wraps around to cover my eyes.  My geeky brain sees an image of Geordi La Forge with his VISOR.  I empathize with the constant pain experienced by this fictional character.  My neck is stiff.  My hair is perfect...no bed head means no movement while sleeping.  I get out of bed.  I'm hungry after sleeping...oh god...for over 17 hours.  Crap!  I've lost a whole day.  This shadow pain remains for minutes, hours or weeks.  I've found nothing to alleviate The Shadow. 

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This shadow can morph into the common aura of a migraine.  Yesterday it did... in record time.   I have not found words to accurately describe this sensation.  It is a fog of pain that encases my brain similar to a tooth ache.  I'm sensitive to light and sound as described above.  There is this inner knowing that this is the start of a migraine.  I took my Imitrex, suffered through the symptoms of Serotonin Syndrome before sleep washed me back into blessed oblivion again.  All together I slept for 18 hours this time.  The nausea was the worst I've experienced since the weeks following the accident. (Why!?!)

The entire headache cycle of yesterday started around 11 am. At 6:30 this morning.  I'm still in The Shadow.  Prior to my "mild" traumatic brain injury I was prone to migraines.  This is something "other".  The pain is debilitating.  I cannot function.  I cannot think.  I cannot speak.  I MUST sleep in a dark, quiet, cool place.

So far the only medication that works to take away this neurological pain is Neurontin.  A drug used for seizures.  The amount required to eliminate the headaches left me in Zombieland.  I can't live a functional life with the headache, nor in Zombieland.  I need an alternative.  I want to live my life...without constant pain.

If you've found a solution...what is it?  I'm willing to try almost anything at this point.  If you experience these headaches...my heart goes out to you.  I wish I could take away your pain.  I pray for us all a future of well being minus this pain.  

Namaste

Kristy