Scene of The Accident

Things change

After much internal debate I visited the scene of my car accident yesterday.  Or at least where I woke up in my car dazed and confused with sick on my favorite leather jacket (ruined).   My goal was to park, take a picture and just sit there awhile allowing some healing to happen.  See if maybe some memories would surface from the missing 3 hours.

The picture shows the area no longer exists as it did that morning.  Poof.  Gone.  Things change.  The stand of cottonwood trees are gone, replaced by 2 additional lanes for traffic.  Why was I so afraid to visit this place?  If you see the little yellow house in the picture, that was the landmark that registered my location all those years ago.

That little yellow house has significance in my life.  Not really a positive memory, but one that stands out.  While I worked nights, back in the 90's, my ex-husband abused my children.  During a month stay in a safe house my daughter spontaneously related an abuse experience that launched an investigation by Social Services.  In the end our abuser was adjudicated aka found innocent of his crimes.  Both of my kids were interviewed by police detectives and Social Service case workers while being video tapped in that damn house.  I listened from another room while the both related their stories of the abuse that happened while I was working.  Horror stories that were burned into my memory.  They still bring me to tears.  Memories I wish were removed along with those 3 hours of missing time.  No such luck.

Now I realize that the fear I felt was not only from the car accident, but the other memories attached to that house of horror.  I snapped the above photo while driving past the site.  No longer drawn to this place I felt a sense of astonishment, disappointment and...relief.  What I was looking for, the physical landmarks associated with my memories of the scary trees on a dark 2 lane road where my life changed...are all gone.

I faced 2 demons for the price of one yesterday.  They are now firmly in the past, where they belong.  Seeing how much this area has changed since I've been away for 2 years also opened my eyes to the fact that I've been living in fear this whole time.  Bummer.  I've fought so hard to NOT live my life through fear.  I failed.  Miserably.  But that's okay because I learned something invaluable.  The silver lining...by finally facing this fear I picked myself up, brushed myself off and feel this deep sense of completion.  I get a fresh start for my future.  These demons are dead, gone and finally laid to rest.  May you RIP.  Namaste

Kristy