A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.
~Donna Roberts
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| Nanook Of The North aka Morgan |
After a grueling 16 hour drive I made it back to Denver. I'm "home". It's taken nearly a week to recover from that drive. The cognitive overload caused by the drive has left me feeling punch drunk, but I'm here starting the next chapter of my Life. Morgan, my furry child, is rather thrilled to be Nanook Of The North once again. While the streets are pretty dry from the snow storm 2 weeks ago, the yard has a good 10" blanket for doggies to play in still. She is in heaven.
My friend Jennifer has opened her life and home to me which, in less than a week, has provided a sense of grounding I've lacked for two years. Not only are we both adult orphans, she knew me before my brain injury. Unlike my family Jen doesn't try to deny my changes. She acknowledges & accepts them which validates my experiences...oddly making me feel whole for the first time in years.
Not only is Jen a close friend, but we worked together for several years. Jen knows me. The Kristy that I am deep inside. She knows me better than almost anyone in my Life. Working together she knows my professional accomplishments, heartaches, challenges at work and home, my dark side, my krazy...the whole being that is Kristy...and accepts me for who I am....then and now.
Until I lived with my brother for 7 months and moved in with Jen, I really didn't comprehend that my family has this fixed image of who Kristy is and is not until now. This image has nothing at all to do with who I am now, but who I was growing up. I haven't been that Kristy for decades now. No wonder my brother was unable to provide the support I needed, he doesn't truly know or understand me now. Together we are stuck in the old family dynamics. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother with my whole heart and am grateful to him for being there when I needed him. I simply have found understanding to the questions in my mind that didn't get why he couldn't provide the support I needed for this Re-Wired brain...now I get it.
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| Me, my son & friends 1 month post TBI (note clenched fist) |
I've been in search of the pieces of Kristy that were shattered after the brain injury and my mom's death...to put myself back together again. My friends are the ones that are here to help re-build this Humpty Dumpty Me. Honestly, I want to smack myself upside the head right now for just having this epiphany. Yet, there are experiences I needed to go through to come to this awakening. I'm working on being grateful for the process.
Listening to Kelly Clarkson's Dark Side explains how I've felt for some time now. I've needed someone to really see me, accept me, and love me for all of who I am...including my dark side, without running away. Until moving in with Jennifer I couldn't see that I've had this in my friends all along. I pushed them all away when mom died as I turned into myself to survive the pain. I can't change the past, but man do I wish I would've leaned on them instead of closing myself off.
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Me pre TBI with some good BCMT friends
presenting our the digestive system project |
Men have come and gone from my life, my family only sees the me they want or need to see, but my friends know the whole of me and stick around through thick and thin. My mom provided this for me as well, but when she died I lost my ground. My roots were brutally torn from the ground and I was withering in my own grief. Grief also blinded me to the love I have in my friends. My eyes are open now and my roots are finding ground once again.
My friends remind me who I really am. I don't need to educate them on my Life's story. They helped write it with me. They are standing in line now to sing my song back to me. To remind me of my strengths, my dreams and have the Super Glue in hand to put me back together. I am filled with gratitude as my friends wrap me in their love. Thank you!
Kristy
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