Single TBI Mom, impact on the kids

February 25, 2012

Traumatic brain injury is both an internal and external journey to wholeness.  I haven not had the full awareness to ponder how it has affected my two children, until fairly recent.  My focus has been on how to move through this to be the best Kristy I can be in the Now. While it's far too easy to get trapped into thinking I'm the only one affected by TBI, it has affected everyone in my life.

Back in 2007, when I was in the car accident, my daughter (Erin) just turned 15

Sean & Erin 2008

and my son (Sean) was 18 years old.  Thinking about this now brings me to tears actually.  I have this sense of guilt that I've let them down.  I know it wasn't my fault, but they were still in their formative years when this happened to us.  Yet the mother they knew and relied upon as their only stable parent vanished in an instant.  Roles reversed.  Our collective World turned upside down.  While this experience has turned them both into amazingly strong individuals, it inherently made their lives less predictable and stable.

Four years, four months later it's time to step outside of myself and see how my brain injury has affected my kids.

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Sean 2011

Stuck in traffic with Sean (now 23) yesterday morning gave me the opportunity to ask him, "Sean, can you tell me how my brain injury has made an impact on your life?"  I was fully aware that I asked a loaded question.  In fact, I had a vision of me pulling aside my hair as I laid my neck squarely on the chopping block.  Sean was as gentle as he could be (with his ax) while still being honest with both of us.

I marvel that I brought this brilliant human being into this world and more so that he loves me...still.  Sean orders my Coke at the drive-thru with extra ice because he knows me well enough to do so without me even needing me to ask.  He pays attention.  He is an observer of people.  He was the perfect person to ask about the changes I cannot see.  Much of what I learned from my son (through his paraphrased voice) I've known.  Other information was a bit of a surprise.

Eyeballing me like I'm a crazy person, "God mom, it's changed everything!"

Can you be a little more specific?  Please.

Deep in thought Sean rubs his chin, turns to look at me with loving eyes then says, "Let me start by saying...for better or worse your's, my dear mother, is the voice in my head." He grins, "My moral compass if you will.  No matter the path I actually chose or choose to follow, your voice remains in my head as a guide. It let's me know when I'm doing something good, bad or indifferent. You've always had this goodness about you with an indomitable spirit.  That hasn't changed."

I've already been reduced to tears by this point. Continue...

He reaches over to gently hold my knee with a smile, "Now...having said that...you are no longer the same person that belongs to the voice in my head.  I'm not saying you are less, just different.  You've experienced things in your Life after the car accident and brain injury that would break others.  Yet, you remain a fighter.  That hasn't changed.  That's what has you sitting here next to me now."

Lucy (sis-in-law), Erin, Mom, Me
in Vegas the week before mom died on 4/7/10

"Your question is a bit too simplistic to answer without addressing the fact that other events have happened since the initial brain injury that set you back.  Erin's babies died.  Ahem, your son had some issues. <clears his throat> Your mom died....that altered you immeasurably because she was your main support. Then poof! You're groundless with no support, in charge of her estate and your world turned upside down...and honestly...hasn't righted itself." 

"You moved away in your grief state to an environment that further ate away your soul.  Then the heat stroke you suffered this summer changed you further.  Right now you are very different than you were at this time last year when you came out for my graduation in 2011."

Holy crap, do I really want to hear more? ...just breathe

"While you are much improved from the last time I saw you, 6 months ago in Texas, the heat stroke pushed you miles backward in your recovery. <tears> I know this is hard to hear, I'm sorry mom."

"Miss Responsible"
Me in 2006
a year before accident

"Okay, as to the actual differences in you that impact me and Erin?  The mother that was on top of everything, the one we relied on to take care of everything, the manager, the organizer, head of household bitch who made us toe the line...she's gone.  Not that you aren't cool...<rolling of my eyes>  It's just that the woman that was always Miss Responsible is now...uhm...let's just say there's been a role reversal.  You now need support from Erin and myself.  We can't count on you like we did before because that ultra responsible part of you that demanded us be early, not just on time....well, you don't seem to have access to those faculties yet."

"Erin is upset with you because she expects you to be who you were...the one she could run to when her dad was a jerk, her safe haven, her soft place to fall.  I've tried to explain to her that you are nothing like the mom she saw last January, but I don't think she'll get it until she spends some time with you.  You need to ask her yourself about how it's impacted her life.  Just prepare yourself for her answer.  You might not like it."  (Okay.  Point taken.)

"On the outside you seem normal (gee thanks), but it's in spending time with you that your deficits show up.  Like me taking you to the grocery store last night...you experienced sensory overload just like you did right after your accident.  Left to your own devices you'd be wandering through that store for hours looking at things that weren't on your list...which was only 3 items.  When you started roaming did you notice I took you in my arm and guided you to the isles we needed to visit?"  (That's why you took me arm in arm!)

"Something has shifted and I'm sorry mom, but not in a forward motion. (Don't ask questions you might not want to hear the answers to.)  When you get flustered you've reverted back to stuttering, word finding is a challenge, you use your hands a lot more to communicate, and when you do get flustered you go downhill quickly.  You can see it in your eyes...it's like a sudden drain and you go blank.  (Oh) Also, sensory overload brings you to your knees and you have to sleep a lot again.  Then it takes you a couple days to recover."

"You almost have a bitter quality to you now that didn't exist before.  No matter how bad life got. (Long pause)  I mean we went through some awful stuff with abuse and sh*t, Papa died, you and Bruce got divorced... but you always kept yourself in a positive can do mode.  It didn't get you down like you are now. (WHAT?! I'm NOT bitter! Can you find a better word please?)  He laughs, "Maybe you've spent too much time with me and my cynicism has rubbed off on you. <he laughs>  What I mean by bitter: you were once this powerhouse of all things positive, but now you have this aura of anguish and disappointment about you.  You held a blind faith that people are basically good. Sadly, people have let you down. Family, has let you down.  People have proven to you that not all people are good or trustworthy of your heart, money, etc."

"Within the last year it's like you took off your rose colored glasses witnessing the harsh realities of life and it's shattered you. (Tears...but yes that's true.  I must look up bitter - see below)  That constant bubbly, smiling, obnoxiously happy mom I knew...the one in my head making me look at the bright side of things....is buried.  Maybe you need to get back into meditation.  When you get in touch with your spirituality is when you thrive. Right?"

Oh, child of mine...you know me so well it's frightening!  And I didn't think you paid attention to me THIS much.

"What else?  Let me see...oh, well....I've witnessed you depressed before, but now it's like you are groundless...in the sense that you are no longer firmly rooted in this world.  You've always been "other worldly", but now it's harder for you to find the silver lining, pull yourself back from the edge.  Uhm...since Nana died (my mom) you literally  lost your ground, support, foundation. I think her death had a lot to do with this new depression.  Nana could always pull you out.  (Yup) Things that would not have bothered you before now become too much for you to handle.  I've been very worried about you. <Looks at me with his soul penetrating eyes>

Me now
(Sean sees a difference in my eyes)

"I've witnessed you, the woman who NEVER asked for help - ask for help... and knowing how difficult it is for you to ask anyone for help...people you counted on let you down.  You've always been overly independent.  When that's taken away and people fail you...that changes a person.  I've been there.  I know.  It turned me into a cynic. That's not you, but you're leaning that way now.  You are the only one that's ever been there for me...always.  Know that I'm here for you mom.  Always.  Okay?  (where's the damned tissue?)  I see you sink inside yourself because you've been burned and you loose your will to hold on.  Like there is nothing left in this world for you, but mom there is.  It will get better.  I promise.  I think you've had enough.  Let's talk about something else...okay?" <tearful nod>

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UPDATE: 2017

bit·ter  (btr)
adj. bit·ter·er, bit·ter·est
1. Having or being a taste that is sharp, acrid, and unpleasant.
2. Causing a sharply unpleasant, painful, or stinging sensation; harsh
3. Difficult or distasteful to accept, admit, or bear
4. Proceeding from or exhibiting strong animosity
5. Resulting from or expressive of severe grief, anguish, or disappointment.
6. Marked by resentment or cynicism

Now that I see the definition of bitter, I can't really argue that I am not bitter as my son pointed out.  I don't like that!

The only way for us to grow is to know where we are before we make the climb up.  Now I have better insight to where my climb begins.  The journey never ends, but I am determined to regain my sunny disposition.  Thankfully I am in a better position with a support system that WILL be there for me to keep me on an upward path.

I asked my friend/roommate the same question.  Next time I'll address the changes she sees in me.  It's not all bad.  In fact, it's encouraging.  Until next time...recovery is a daily process.  I wish you well in your own journey.

Kristy