Single TBI Mom, impact on the kids
February 25, 2012
Traumatic brain injury is both an internal and external journey to wholeness. I haven not had the full awareness to ponder how it has affected my two children, until fairly recent. My focus has been on how to move through this to be the best Kristy I can be in the Now. While it's far too easy to get trapped into thinking I'm the only one affected by TBI, it has affected everyone in my life.
Back in 2007, when I was in the car accident, my daughter (Erin) just turned 15
Sean & Erin 2008 |
Four years, four months later it's time to step outside of myself and see how my brain injury has affected my kids.
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Sean 2011 |
I marvel that I brought this brilliant human being into this world and more so that he loves me...still. Sean orders my Coke at the drive-thru with extra ice because he knows me well enough to do so without me even needing me to ask. He pays attention. He is an observer of people. He was the perfect person to ask about the changes I cannot see. Much of what I learned from my son (through his paraphrased voice) I've known. Other information was a bit of a surprise.
Eyeballing me like I'm a crazy person, "God mom, it's changed everything!"
Can you be a little more specific? Please.
Deep in thought Sean rubs his chin, turns to look at me with loving eyes then says, "Let me start by saying...for better or worse your's, my dear mother, is the voice in my head." He grins, "My moral compass if you will. No matter the path I actually chose or choose to follow, your voice remains in my head as a guide. It let's me know when I'm doing something good, bad or indifferent. You've always had this goodness about you with an indomitable spirit. That hasn't changed."
I've already been reduced to tears by this point. Continue...
Can you be a little more specific? Please.
Deep in thought Sean rubs his chin, turns to look at me with loving eyes then says, "Let me start by saying...for better or worse your's, my dear mother, is the voice in my head." He grins, "My moral compass if you will. No matter the path I actually chose or choose to follow, your voice remains in my head as a guide. It let's me know when I'm doing something good, bad or indifferent. You've always had this goodness about you with an indomitable spirit. That hasn't changed."
I've already been reduced to tears by this point. Continue...
He reaches over to gently hold my knee with a smile, "Now...having said that...you are no longer the same person that belongs to the voice in my head. I'm not saying you are less, just different. You've experienced things in your Life after the car accident and brain injury that would break others. Yet, you remain a fighter. That hasn't changed. That's what has you sitting here next to me now."
Lucy (sis-in-law), Erin, Mom, Me in Vegas the week before mom died on 4/7/10 |
"You moved away in your grief state to an environment that further ate away your soul. Then the heat stroke you suffered this summer changed you further. Right now you are very different than you were at this time last year when you came out for my graduation in 2011."
Holy crap, do I really want to hear more? ...just breathe
"While you are much improved from the last time I saw you, 6 months ago in Texas, the heat stroke pushed you miles backward in your recovery. <tears> I know this is hard to hear, I'm sorry mom."
Holy crap, do I really want to hear more? ...just breathe
"While you are much improved from the last time I saw you, 6 months ago in Texas, the heat stroke pushed you miles backward in your recovery. <tears> I know this is hard to hear, I'm sorry mom."
"Miss Responsible" Me in 2006 a year before accident |
"Erin is upset with you because she expects you to be who you were...the one she could run to when her dad was a jerk, her safe haven, her soft place to fall. I've tried to explain to her that you are nothing like the mom she saw last January, but I don't think she'll get it until she spends some time with you. You need to ask her yourself about how it's impacted her life. Just prepare yourself for her answer. You might not like it." (Okay. Point taken.)
"On the outside you seem normal (gee thanks), but it's in spending time with you that your deficits show up. Like me taking you to the grocery store last night...you experienced sensory overload just like you did right after your accident. Left to your own devices you'd be wandering through that store for hours looking at things that weren't on your list...which was only 3 items. When you started roaming did you notice I took you in my arm and guided you to the isles we needed to visit?" (That's why you took me arm in arm!)
"Something has shifted and I'm sorry mom, but not in a forward motion. (Don't ask questions you might not want to hear the answers to.) When you get flustered you've reverted back to stuttering, word finding is a challenge, you use your hands a lot more to communicate, and when you do get flustered you go downhill quickly. You can see it in your eyes...it's like a sudden drain and you go blank. (Oh) Also, sensory overload brings you to your knees and you have to sleep a lot again. Then it takes you a couple days to recover."
"Within the last year it's like you took off your rose colored glasses witnessing the harsh realities of life and it's shattered you. (Tears...but yes that's true. I must look up bitter - see below) That constant bubbly, smiling, obnoxiously happy mom I knew...the one in my head making me look at the bright side of things....is buried. Maybe you need to get back into meditation. When you get in touch with your spirituality is when you thrive. Right?"
Oh, child of mine...you know me so well it's frightening! And I didn't think you paid attention to me THIS much.
Me now (Sean sees a difference in my eyes) |
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UPDATE: 2017bit·ter (btr)
adj. bit·ter·er, bit·ter·est
1. Having or being a taste that is sharp, acrid, and unpleasant.
2. Causing a sharply unpleasant, painful, or stinging sensation; harsh
3. Difficult or distasteful to accept, admit, or bear
4. Proceeding from or exhibiting strong animosity
5. Resulting from or expressive of severe grief, anguish, or disappointment.
6. Marked by resentment or cynicism
Now that I see the definition of bitter, I can't really argue that I am not bitter as my son pointed out. I don't like that!
The only way for us to grow is to know where we are before we make the climb up. Now I have better insight to where my climb begins. The journey never ends, but I am determined to regain my sunny disposition. Thankfully I am in a better position with a support system that WILL be there for me to keep me on an upward path.
I asked my friend/roommate the same question. Next time I'll address the changes she sees in me. It's not all bad. In fact, it's encouraging. Until next time...recovery is a daily process. I wish you well in your own journey.
Kristy
The only way for us to grow is to know where we are before we make the climb up. Now I have better insight to where my climb begins. The journey never ends, but I am determined to regain my sunny disposition. Thankfully I am in a better position with a support system that WILL be there for me to keep me on an upward path.
I asked my friend/roommate the same question. Next time I'll address the changes she sees in me. It's not all bad. In fact, it's encouraging. Until next time...recovery is a daily process. I wish you well in your own journey.
Kristy
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