TBI Depression - Experienced through my journal

I came across my journal this morning as I'm unpacking.  While it is very personal, I feel it has value for others to understand depression through the internal thought process of the brain injured.  Depression with brain injury has a slightly different flavor than "normal" depression.  I know I learned something. I only share this now because I have moved through this space and made it out the other end.  

09/12/11

San Antonio

My brother's home

I don't even know how long I've been here now.  All I know is the feeling of doing nothing right.

I know my brother is trying to "help" me the best way he knows how.  I can never share with him how much it cuts me down vs. lifting me up.  I don't know how much lower I can get, but he unknowingly pushes me to my limits.  There isn't anything positive to grasp which leads me into a downward spiral ending in a morose ideation of death being preferable.

I imagine different ways to end this so called Life.  None is appealing.  An internal battle of will is at war.  One side fighting to live, the other fighting to go "home."

The Lifer seeks a reason to stay.  A purpose.  I've lost even more of my heart and belongings.  The optimist in me says, "it opens up more room for the joy to enter."  The pessimist on the flip side of the coin says, "we've waited years and should just walk away cutting my losses because joy isn't coming to outweigh the sorrows."

My brother won't even read the materials on traumatic brain injury I sent him online.  That says to me he has no interest in really being of help to me.  On a deeper level it says to me that he does not care enough about me to learn as much as he can to help me.  

I feel alone, desolate, wounded, defeated and worthless.  My existence is only causing complications for everyone.  What do I really have to offer anyone now?  Everyone expects me to be what I once was and that it is actually possible.  They have no idea how frustrating it is to finally know inside that I do NOT have those skills any longer.  It's one thing to work around issues like word finding, memory deficits and this never ending headache.  It's another thing altogether to regain all of those skills.  My brother acts like I don't want to...dear GOD...you have no idea how many times I've prayed and done everything I can to get those abilities back!  Along with the wages that went with my career!  Do I only have value as the Kristy I was before the accident?  Is that my ultimate goal?  To get back to who and what I was before?

I am making forward strides, but one thing after another brings delays.  Nothing is working out right!  No matter my intent!  I've waited 3 weeks to see my new doctor, but she ended up in emergency surgery today.  I feel horrible for her, but am upset that of all days...why today?  Now I get to see another doctor that doesn't have her talent for autoimmune disease or brain injury.  I feel like blood is dripping down my face from walking into the same brick wall over and over again.  When will things fall in line again?

My brother doesn't understand my frustration.  "Just let it roll off your back Kris, it's no big deal."  Yep.  To you, this is no big deal.  To me, this is everything...my last string clenched tightly in my fist. The only thing tethering me to this Life.

My faith in my Life's motto, "Everything happens for a reason" AND in the Great Spirit has faltered.  No.  That isn't correct.  The core has cracked and broken into as many shards as my Life.  Poof.  Gone.

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Everyone wants me to keep on my mask of feigned smiles and can do attitude.  It's hard to maintain a facade of "happy, happy" when you find no inspiration to smile and "fake it 'till you make it."

Honestly, what do I have?  Broken dreams, broken thoughts and a broken me.  Not much to work with and depressing to know everyone only wants to see the facade/ cover-up job that disguises my brokenness.  I feel like an old car with Bondo slapped on, sanded, polished and painted to hide the damage beneath.

My sister-in-law made breakfast.  I've desire to eat.  My brother already told me that I am a financial strain.  Why would I want to eat?  Why would I want to live?  I have no reason.  None.  Each word you speak to me dear brother cuts deeper and yanks my safety cord further out of my grasp.

My horses gave me purpose, but that life is gone now.  My kids were my sole reason for being.  Now they are grown and living on their own.  That tether that grounded me is gone.  They might like me around sometimes, but they do not NEED me.  What binds me here now?  I find nothing and ask the Father to show mercy and send me home.  Please!

As always in the depths of despair I turn to Spirit and books.  This is what keeps me here now...

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation 

can that which is indestructible be found in us."

~ Buddha

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It seems that since I am still here I have found part of me which is indestructible.  If you too suffer from depression, know you are not alone.  I wrote the above journal entry about 5 months ago.  I'm in a better place now.  I am with my friends and kids who have my back and give me the support and kick in the ass that I need to stay afloat.  Being back in Colorado I now have a support system.  They are very important.  

Now through that dark tunnel I hold out my arms asking, "how may I serve?"  This is how I am now living.  One day at a time.  Namaste.  

Kristy